...?...

i donnow if i should write this post.. i have some undefined feelings.. i'm having nervous attacks- which i can't tell the reasons. so evily..
i really feel bad, even it had to be better day by day.. no, opposite of it.
i sometimes feel that nothing is mutual....
i won't tell more; some must stay inside ;)
what's goin' on??

...................

Now i'm crying sobbingly. you know what, i haven't cried for months, maybe a year.. Today i had a new; which was so sad. life sux and it is unfare.. i am numb at the moment; my hands are shaking; so i can't write anything.. i'll drink all of the beer and wine at home; so they'll help me to feel better.. i can't stop my tears!! Now i'm crying without any stop.. i never cried so much.Everything is so unfare and everything is black!!! crying doesn't solve anything; but what can i do...i think about his situation..i have never been kinda upset.. i feel like my heart is breaking into pieces.. i just wanna cry, cry, cry..............................................................

я ненавижу жизнь !!!

Здравствулте Дневник!!
я должен выучить много и я получил пробуренным того. я имею школу 5 дней и я имею курс каждый день! я иногда хочу погулять прочь от дома и никогда возвращение. или лучше: ПЛАШКА! но после этого я думаю о людях после меня, поэтому меня забываю эту идею я хочу полюбить кто-нибудь и заполнить космос в моем сердце с им; но никто, котор нужно быть полюбили и самая большая проблема является следующим: Я УРОДСК!!!! я имею всегда хотел быть красивейш; но я не буду мной всегда ' самыми уродскими '. Никто знает это ощупывание так же, как я пластичные хирурги зарабатываю множество деньг из-за людей как я оно настолько уныл; потому что я немного деятельностей слишком :(
я не мил от природы, этого плох если будет бог, то (я не верю если он существует); я ненавижу его много; потому что он сделал меня уродским. но я верю что природа создала каждое; так я быть сердит с?
Я не знаю. и я не хочу знать. Жизнь бурит и обычно будет!
я написал мой столб на русском языке; потому что я хотел некоторые изменения. я знаю будут множество ошибки из-за интернет перевода, поэтому забудьте меня :)
Мое последнее предложение является следующим: ' получите прочь от жизни если вы не имеете причину жить. если вы имеете некоторые причины жить; вы жизнь ваша жизнь и никогда не теряете вашу усмешку!' :) (:

resimdeki gözyaşları..............(tears in the pic)

TodaY i am very upset!!!!!!!!!!!! My lessons sux and i have nearly no hope to pass univeristy exam. actaully i have hopes; but my family and techers are hopeless.. they all say that i am so smart; but i don't study enough :S.. i am so sad cos of that!!!
Beko; what will be our situation?? (anam ne olacak bizim halimiz? :S)

I started to get a new acne medicine. i nearly used all of the medicines in pharmcies; but they didn't work. Now i'm using a very dangerous medicine- named Roaccutane. it's my last chance to get rid of acnes.Doctors say that this medicine may kill my kidneys and livers. But i don't care. even it kills me; i'll keep using it. I want my corpse without acnes....

Sadness.....Lonliness.....Hate......

I donnow why i feel like that.. i am just so sad.. i know the reason; but can't tell to anyone- even to Beko. Something inside me is so strong and it kills me...I listened 'hate' songs during today... i hate some people and i hate nature!! for... anyway...i am just so cheerless... depression again..
This is the lyrics of a great song. not melody but lyrics are cool! just describe my feelings.. :'(
life sucks!

Düş Sokağı Sakinleri - Al beni yar
Bulutlardı yağmuru getiren
Hüznüm bulut oldu
Yağmur oldu yasak sevdamız
İnatla gurbete doğdu
Acıya büyüdü sevgiler karanlıklar kentinde
Güneşi hiç göremeden
Oynadığımız bir oyundu
Al beni yar götür
Götür buralardan
Bıktım artık hep aynı
varoluşlardan
Yitirmekten yitirilmekten
Korkudan korkmalardan
Aldatmadan aldatılışlardan
Hiç almadan hep vermelerden
Al beni yar götür
Götür buralardan
Bıktım artık hep aynı
varoluşlardan
Yasaktı bize sevda yaşamak
Aramızda hep birileri oldu
Aramızda hep sen de oldun
Ben yalnız seninle doğdum
Al beni yar götür
Götür buralardan
Bıktım artık hep aynı
Varoluşlardan !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Miss Detective? -yes, it is me; what's the problem? :P

Hey Diary!!!
I had a very interesting week. At weekend; i learned that; EVERYONE at the course are afraid of me. One of my friends told that even teachers are scared of me. She said;one of the teachers said that 'i know she likes me; cos she laughed at me' :))))))). My mum said that one of our course's workers saw me when i was in bus-stop waiting for bus. She wanted to talk to me; but she was so afraid; so couldn't say anything to me:) i was very surprised when i heard all f those..i had no idea how i look.. But if u ask my personality to my school-mates; they'll say that i always laugh and laugh at everything. i am so cheerful...i guess i have different personalities in different places:))Anyway; 3 days ago; at monday; my school started after 5 weeks winter holiday. i didn't miss my school;but i missed my class-mates very much.Every morning, i am late for my school:))) i hope i'll be on time tomorrow morning..Yesterday two different things happened. One was GREAT!!! one was very FUNNY!First; the great one. I met my idol yesterday!! He is a diplomat and one of the best. We talked to him for 30-45 mins. i still can't believe... I asked him questions about his job. As you know- i wanna be a diplomat in the future. He said that i have a very good knowladge about diplomacy:)))
The funny thing is: Our apartment's executive hang on an announcement on our elevator's wall. So; everybody can read this paper. His Turkish grammar is not very good; so he makes me angry!!! Two days ago; when i first saw this paper; there was a writing false. He wrote 'Havlu' (means towel); but he actaully meant to write 'Avlu' (means yard). i wrote a warning note; underlining Havlu; and writing; 'Havlu değil, avlu!' (means; not towel,yard!). Then yesterday; i saw that he wrote-back to me. He wrote : 'you pseud professor; come and help us managament than inveighing us. There is no difference between havlu and avlu.':))) This morning; i saw that he re-wrote this announcement; wrote 'AVLU' with big letters and undelining it. I saw it; and wrote an answer. i underlined 'AVLU' ; and wrote 'Tebrikler!'(means congratulations) it was a very very funny correspondncing!! i'm still laughing!! i wonder his answer to me:)) The funniest thing iS; he doesn't know who am i:) he is more than 50; and i am only 17. but because of me; he felt embarassed!!! :))))))))). Cos of that i am sure; everybody in the apartment wonders me:). But i'll stay as secret-proffesor:). Only my mum and brothers know that i wrote those and i hope they'll keep my little dirty secret=)
At the pic; i wrote te red circled part; And the brown circled part is executive's answer to me:))))

Moji Prijatelji!!! :)))

HeLLo Blog!!!
Today; i read a great post in Megan's blog. I was very touched after reading it. And now; i decided to write to write my feelings about my union friends,me and Beko. I am writing me- as my friend too; cos i am one of my best friends too; but not the best :)))
I'll write it as 'age' order:

First, Berkan Şire:
I know him for 12,5 years!! we met in kindergarten;we were our best-friends in kindergarten too. A year ago we had a big fight; but me made peace again;). He loves to buy expensive and brand-things. He works at some shops in summers just for fun. Now we are both preparing for university exam. we both want to study at Ankara!! :)) Almost all of our specialities are same!!! We both love Madonna,Marilyn Monroe, vodka, internet.....:) he gets angry when i call him Bekoli :)) He knows almost every-single detail about me. I can tell him everything-even which i can't tell to my girlfriends. He always(?) listens me; or pretending like listening:) he is also very good at cooking and we're plannig to visit Italy this summer;) Bekoli; study some lesson, ok? leave the internet! you must pass this exam to come Italy with me;)

İrem Şardaşlar:
i know İrem since 17 years and she is really nice :P:P ok; let'z be honest, she sometimes feels that she is ugly and stupid. She LOVES her union friends! and She can't live without them :)). She wants to meet them all one day(at august,i hope:P). ok; that's enuough about her; she is not very interesting...

Susi Höller:
The last duck i met is Susi. I knew her cos of Megan and Tadej. Then somehow, we met. We have a lot of same-points and can chat during hours :). We sometimes write the same things at the same time and often think the same things. We both can be good comedians in the future:))
She is very creative and funny!! if u don't believe me; read Susi's blog!! We wrote great comments there and she always wants to hear that her comment is great:) that makes her happy. And also she is a big sports fan! Knows almost all of the sportsmen in the world!! :). i learned much about Kimi from her!! She also writes some literary texts; i wish to read those one day, but i don't know German; aws sorry, AustrianGerman =)
She also can write very very long texts, i never can write as fast as and as long as her!! :)
hey girl; you are GREAT(i told it again) :))

Tadej Plevčak:
We met him 1,5 years ago; i guess october or november of 2004. i sent him a mail; sth. like that 'can we be pen-pals?' a few hours later, i got a mail, from Tad, written only this 'Do you know where Slovenia si(not is!!)?'. i surprised. i thought, 'did i write something bad?' ; so i checked out all of my 'sent' mails; i couldn't find any inappropriate mail for him!! after a few weeks later; we started to chat on msn. He was one of the first people in my msn-list. I first saw the msn 'shake' when chatting with him:))
He is the only boy of our union! He sometimes thinks he is ugly and stupid; sometimes thinks handsome and genious. He knows some programming languıages and knows very well about computers; he sometimes helps me about compuetrs. He is a very good teacher also!! Teaches Slovenian with very funny ways :)) Actually he is teaching it with normal ways; but i laugh a lot during SL lessons. 'Hitro se lahko naučim Slovensko ker je moj učitelj odličen!!' :))) Did i write true, Taddy :P.. He never sends me his pics; sometimes i insist a lot; so he sends; and sometimes, i find his pics in different places=)....He is very very lazy! Sometimes , when at msn, he writes back after 30 mins.!! He is a great Sms-friend. He sends sms-es when i get bored and at some nights(especially summer), we sms till 3 am:))
He also uses ':P' a lot!!! even after normal sentences! Everyday i find out new things about him. Yesterday i discovered that he is a member of HSB clan. if u don't know what it is; visit hereIt's a very funny site:)) He takes shower every night in these hours-when i am writing this too:))
And he usually uses this stupid nick-name= Hobit or sometimes Hobitus :)))

Megan Lyczykowska:
We met with her about 1 year ago. First we were mailing; then we started to send 'real' letters. I can't pronunce her real name; so i should call her Megan :). She is so sweet and lovely! i never saw her sad or desperate. Or she was upset; but she didn't reflect it to me;). Sometimes, even reading her msn-nicks make me smile :)) She sends me very very sweet letters and postcards. i am very impatient to read her letter every month:))
She thinks that i'm clever; gosh; i'll tell it to my maths teahers! i wonder their faces :P:P
Also she is very funny! i laugh a lot when we ducks have group-chat :)) She is very kind and hospitable;);)

AND... i was nearly forget... We all find eachother(ducks) from pen-friends.net. I thank them to make me find such great , perfect friends!!!